I love cucumberplane friendship bc it’s like someone asks Shen Qingqiu who his best friend is and Liu Qingge and Yue Qingyuan straighten their backs expectantly bc they’re strong and upstanding cultivators with public histories of going the distance for Shen Qingqiu and then he just fuckin fishes Shang Qinghua out of a dumpster filled with paperwork, melon seeds, shitty porn, and regret
not 2 exaggerate but the good place’s thesis of “if the modern pressures of life were removed, we would inherently seek out opportunities to learn and become better and kinder people” is a more interesting and valuable thing to say about society than anything that’s ever been said about cell phones
The problem with being ADHD and having trouble reading long, rambling sentences and paragraphs that go on and on is that having ADHD makes you more likely to write in long, rambling sentences and paragraphs that go on and on do you see the problem I am encountering
What Wei Wuxian was supposed to do: Sneak down from Baoshan Sanren’s mountain to deliver a letter to Lan Yi and take hers back to his teacher, like he did every month and has done every month since he was thirteen. He tells himself being the messenger for their eternal, tragic love is romantic rather than heartbreaking.
What actually happens: Some irritating, beautiful Lan catches him sneaking into Cloud Recesses. Wei Wuxian can’t tell him what he’s actually doing or admit to being Baoshan Sanren’s disciple, since no one is supposed to know he leaves the mountain (Xingchen-ge would be pissed), he lies about being a visiting disciple who’d arrived late and hopes whoever the Jiang have sent here is going to be really cool about this and also down for a bit of lying on his behalf with no context.
putting these here for my sanity
They’ve been in Cloud Recesses less than
a day when she’s summoned to Lan Qiren’s quarters on her way to dinner. Jiang Yanli smiles at her
sect sisters, grateful for the first time that her brother is on the other side
of the grounds, and clasps her hands together inside her sleeves so no one can
them shaking.
She enters, bows, and Lan Qiren says, “This
boy claims he’s part of your clan. Wangji found him breaking in and he had alcohol
on him.”
She blinks slowly, glad her face is
turned towards the ground, then looks up. There’s not only Lan Qiren, but Lan
Xichen and Lan Wangji.
Between them is a boy who can’t be much
older than A-Cheng, wearing scruffy dark clothes and his hair in a disgrace of
a ponytail. He looks at her, wide eyed and pleading, and she doesn’t know him
but she feels her heart soften. He’s too skinny. She wishes she had something
to feed him.
“Lady Jiang?” Lan Xichen prompts her.
She bows again and is speaking before she
can think better of it. “I apologize for his disruption. Please forgive him, he
is unaware of the rules of Cloud Recesses.”
“So he is part of your clan?” Lan Qiren
demands incredulously. “Why didn’t he arrive with the rest of you then?”
That’s a good question. She should answer
it. It better be a good answer. “He’s our new first disciple and there were
several things he needed to arrange back home before leaving.”
They don’t currently have a first
disciple. Mother wants A-Cheng to be given the position, but both Father and A-Cheng
know he’s not ready for that yet, so instead they haven’t appointed one at all.
“I didn’t hear about this,” Lan Qiren
says, glaring.
The boy steps forward, winking at her before
all the Lans turn to face him. “Apologies, let me introduce myself properly. I
used to be a rogue cultivator, so I doubt you’ve heard of me, but I’m Wei
Wuxian, the first disciple of Lotus Pier.”
“Wei Wuxian,” Lan Qiren repeats, pale and
eyes wide. “Not – not Cangse Sanren’s son?”
No way. No way.
“Uh,” he blinks. “Yeah, that’s me. Did
you know my mom?”
“You’re supposed to be dead,” Lan Qiren
says, staring at him like he really is looking at a ghost.
Wei Wuxian glances at her, like he’s looking
for help or maybe just for someone else to be in on the joke. “Well. I’m not.”
There’s some more awkward silence, and
Jiang Yanli wants them out of there. The longer this goes on, the more likely
it is they’re going to get caught. “If we may go to dinner, Master Lan? I’m
sure A-Xian has had a long journey.”
She hopes he doesn’t mind the familiarity
when they’ve just met, but it makes the whole story a little bit more
believable, she thinks.
He doesn’t seem to mind, instead lighting
up and saying, “Shijie needs to keep her strength up, Master Lan, please excuse
us. I really am very sorry about breaking the rules.”
He doesn’t sound very sorry, but Lan
Qiren still seems to be in too much shock to call him on it. Instead they’re
dismissed, no punishment doled out even as Lan Wangji scowls and Lan Xichen
only looks slightly less surprised than his uncle.
Wei Wuxian waits until they’re in the
hallway to turn and grin at her. “You are literally the coolest person I’ve
ever met.”
She flushes, tucking some of his hair
that has gotten loose form its tie behind his ear. “Don’t get caught sneaking
out this time.”
“Sneaking out?” he repeats, then shakes
his head. “No way, they’ll totally figure it all out and then you’ll get in so
much trouble. I’ll stay. Maybe I can get them to kick me out or something instead.”
She pauses, because she likes him
already, obviously, otherwise she wouldn’t have lied for him, but. “I told them
you were our first disciple.”
“Yeah, I know.”
When nothing else is forthcoming, she
asks, “Can you … pass as a first disciple?”
He looks at her and laughs, holding out
his wrist to her. She hesitates, but he is offering, so she pressing her fingers
against his pulse and then he has to wrap an arm around her waist to keep her
from staggering. His golden core thrums under his skin like a tidal wave, the
bright, powerful rush of energy feeling like an endless well, like the deepest
of their lakes back home. “I might need a refresher on some of the Jiang forms,
but I wouldn’t worry about that.”
“Refresher,” she repeats, looking at this
boy that is supposed to be dead, who is the son of the famed Cangse Sanren and
has a golden core stronger than any she’s ever felt and who absolutely no one
has heard of before now. “You know them already?”
“I know all the major clans’ forms,” he
says carelessly and offers her his arm as they walk towards the dining hall.
She takes it, head spinning. It’s the
only thing that makes sense, but at the same time it doesn’t make any sense at
all. She thinks she’s right anyway.
Wei Wuxian is a disciple of Baoshan
Sanren.
She doesn’t have time to overthink it,
because then they’re entering the dining hall, the meal just about to start. They
walk over to where all the other Jiang disciples are clustered and all their
eyes are on them, outrage hovering around the edges of A-Cheng’s mouth when he
sees her hand on Wei Wuxian’s elbow.
“Our first disciple got in a bit of
trouble,” she says, smiling, aware of all the eyes and ears on them that don’t
belong to her clan. “A-Xian, you should really apologize to all your sect
brothers and sisters.”
Wei Wuxian goes into an elaborate bow. “This
Wei Wuxian begs forgiveness and promises to do a better job of upholding the honor
of the Jiang Clan.”
There’s a beat of silence where everyone
looks at her, then to him, and she loves her clan because as one big
smiles come over their faces and they groan, acting like this is another one of
Wei Wuxian’s antics, like he’s familiar and one of them and this is just to be
expected, really. She sits down next to A-Cheng, dragging Wei Wuxian with her.
“A-jie,” he hisses, “what’s going on?”
“Ah, my dear sweet brother,” Wei Wuxian
says, sitting on the opposite side of A-Cheng and draping his arm around her
shoulders. A-Cheng scowls but doesn’t push him away or start screaming, so
clearly she’s not the only one who likes him. “We’ll fill you in later, yeah?
It’s been a really interesting night.”
A-Cheng ignores him to look at her,
raising an eyebrow. “Really, A-jie?”
“Be nice to A-Xian,” she says. “Our brother
has had a long night.”
He looks between them, then clearly gives
up, slouching into his seat. “Fine, okay, whatever.”
The gong rings and there’s no more talking
no, as the food is brought out, and she serves both A-Cheng and A-Xian and they
both turn to stop her, meet each other’s gazes, and grin, united in maneuvering
her back into her seat and putting food onto her plate.
She allows it, because she’s had a long
night too, but they better not get used to getting away with this.
Lan Wangji can’t decide what to make of
Wei Wuxian.
A rogue cultivator being named first disciple
is a ridiculous idea, but he is the son of Cangse Sanren, and her certainly
acts Jiang, to say nothing of the close relationship he seems to have
with Sect Leader Jiang’s children. Jiang Cheng is notoriously difficult to get
along with, with his only friend outside of his clan being Nie Huaisang, who’s
brother is known for having an even greater temper. Yet Wei Wuxian seems to get
along with him easily, hanging off his shoulders and teasing him, never taking his
anger to heart. It does not seem to be an affection easily faked.
He should be focusing on demonstrating
sword forms with the rest of his clansmen, but he’s run these drills a thousand
times and to Wei Wuxian is where his mind wanders these days.
“Wei Wuxian!” Uncle snaps and Lan Wangji
nearly drops his sword. “Something more interesting going on than learning Lan forms?”
Wei Wuxian looks up from where he’d been
whispering with Nie Huaisang and rolls his eyes. “You only teach the basics.”
Of course they do. As if they’re going to
go around teaching advanced clan forms to guest disciples even if they were
capable of it.
“And you think you’re above the basics?”
Uncle demands.
“I think I already know them,” he answers.
“Go on, continue teaching, I won’t distract everyone else.”
But Uncle is staring at him now. “You
already know them?”
Wei Wuxian nods. He’s barely been in Cloud
Recesses a week and this is the first time they’re going over forms. That’s not
possible.
Uncle makes a sharp gesture towards the
Lan who are demonstrating for the guest disciples. “Go on then.”
He doesn’t back down, instead rolling his
eyes and unsheathing his sword. He goes into place next to Lan Wangji, grinning
at him as the drill starts up again.
Wei Wuxian does it perfectly.
His Jiang forms have been flawless, the
smooth movements as he spared against his clansmen leading more to his claim of
being first disciple than anything else. Yet as he moves through one Lan move
then another, there’s no hint of that. There is only sharp, perfect Lan precision.
“Enough!” Uncle barks. He’s staring at Wei
Wuxian, and he’s not the only one. “Explain yourself.”
He pulls a face. “I was a rogue
cultivator, I picked some stuff up. Don’t be weird about it.”
Uncle’s face goes a worrying shade of
red, but before he can say anything, one of Wei Wuxian’s sect sisters asks, “How
did you do that? Even when I get the move right, you can still tell I’m Jiang,
but you looked like one of them.”
Wei Wuxian frowns, tapping his chin,
before spinning away to stand at the front of the clearing. “It’s actually more
about understanding the styles than something physical. Once you can do that,
it becomes easier.”
He gestures Jiang Cheng forward, who sighs
but comes willingly enough, unsheathing his sword and settling into an opening
Jiang stance.
Wei Wuxian meets him, the two of them falling
into a demonstration not unlike the one the Lan had just been giving. “The
Jiang style is a conversation,” Wei Wuxian says easily. The fluid movements
between him and Jiang Cheng seem to match that, their moves constantly
adjusting for each action the other person makes. “It’s give and take and influenced
by both the running river and the ocean waves. If a Jiang fighter retreats, don’t
follow. Like the ocean pulling back, it’s only to prepare for a more devastating
blow.” He does the opposite of what he says, following as Jiang Cheng steps
back, and ends with a sword at his throat.
Jiang Cheng grins then pulls his blade
back, sheathing it and stepping back into the disciples.
“The Jin style,” Wei Wuxian continues and
Mianmian steps forward without even having to be asked, “is a dance.” Lan
Wangji glances at his uncle to see if he’s going to do anything about Wei
Wuxian taking control of his lesson, but he seems just as curious as the
disciples. “It’s all about who leads and who follows.” Impossibly, Wei Wuxian
slides into the Jin style. Lan Wangji isn’t an expert, but it seems just as good
as his Lan forms. The whispering happening among the Jin disciples supports
that. He can almost see what Wei Wuxian means with the way he and Mianmian
break apart and come together. He controls her movements with his own, then he goes
from leading into following, forced into a more and more predictable pattern of
moves as Mianmain presses her advantage until his sword falls to the ground.
She picks it up for him, handing it back with
a warm smile that makes his stomach turn.
“The Nie style is a meal.” A Nie disciple
stumbles forward after Nie Huaisang jabs her in the back with his fan. “It’s about
consumption, about overwhelming your opponent until they break apart and there’s
nothing left.” Wei Wuxian’s blows don’t have the same impact since he wields a
blade rather than a saber, but it’s impossible to know that looking at his form.
There’s no trading off of power, no adjustments made in deference of an opponent’s
skills. There’s just a relentless, furious barrage of attacks. The Nie disciple
knocks Wei Wuxian to the ground who grins and then says, “Defeat in the Nie
style is not about subjugation, but subsumption.”
She offers him a hand up, bows, then goes
back over to Nie Huaisang.
“The Wen style is smoke on the wind,” he
says, and Wen Ning steps forward, giving him a smile that’s not nearly as
nervous as the one he gives everyone else. “It’s about broadcasting one move to
hide another. It’s quick and tricky and when a Wen wins you’re not going to
notice until your insides are spilling onto the ground in front of you. Just as
surprising and deadly as smoke in your lungs.” Wen Ning’s doesn’t cut Wei Wuxian
open, but he does execute several seemingly clumsy moves that reveal themselves
to be hiding clever ones, and it ends with his sword pressed to Wei Wuxian’s
ribs.
Wei Wuxian claps him on the shoulder and Wen
Ning ducks his head before returning to his sister’s side.
“The Lan style,” Wei Wuxian says and Lan
Wangji is stepping forward, sword unsheathed, “is a war.” The description surprises
him, but he doesn’t let it distract him. Wei Wuxian’s blows land perfectly and Lan
Wangji should stay with the basic moves, but he has a suspicion, and he presses
forward. Wei Wuxian meets him, counteracting him with moves far past basic and
still perfectly executed. “Every Lan move is a finishing one. The don’t waste anything.
Their beauty hides their brutality.” They’re going further now, Lan Wangji not
holding back, and still Wei Wuxian meets him, still his blows don’t falter. “Lan
only need one opening to end a fight. Permanently.”
Lan Wangji freezes, his sword pressed
against Wei Wuxian’s chest. His blade would have slid between his ribs and
pierced his heart if he hasn’t pulled the move.
Wei Wuxian is very close, his skin
shining with sweat and his crooked grin doing something to the space underneath
his own ribs.
This is all impossible. No one should be
this good at all the clans’ forms, should know them this well, and yet Wei Wuxian
stands here, an impossible boy.
I’ll never understand why anthropomorphic animal cartoons like Robin Hood and Zootopia will go to the trouble of creating character designs that are meant to be understood as “attractive” or even “sexy” to the human audience but explicitly avoid showing interspecies romances between anthropomorphic animals. Why is THAT weird but, like, trying to make rabbits recognizably sexy-coded to humans isn’t?
Sometimes, sure, but why was Maid Marian a fox in Robin Hood? There wasn’t anything particularly “foxlike” about her personality, and it would make more sense for her to be a lion. They made her a fox only because Robin was a fox and making her something else would be “weird”, but I don’t think the wolf cop or the chicken maid or the lion prince were actually meant to represent race.
The best inter species couple is Kermit and Miss Piggy as the Cratchits in A Muppet Christmas Carol, because all their sons are frogs and all their daughters are pigs, as God clearly intended.
there are only two genders: frog and pig
I’ve pointed out to my friends that the fact that Kermit and Miss Piggy’s kids are like that means either
1) they reproduce asexually and the children are clones of each parent OR
2) Kermit and Miss Piggy are members of the same sexually dimorphic species, hence the split between their male and female children
yes I have spent too long running about potential muppet biology
oh god
So the problem here is that Muppet canon fluctuates a lot in terms of what is biologically possible, and the ultimate answer is one that has nothing to do with biology whatsoever.
Let me explain.
There is the Muppet Christmas Carol explanation, boys are frogs and girls are pigs.
This is countered in two ways. One is, of course, the fact that in GREAT MUPPET CAPER, Fozzie and Kermit are twins. Their father is (or at least looks like) a green bear.
The second the presence of male pigs. One could argue that Link Hogthrob and the other Pigs In Space are from a different species- they’re like rabbits and hares, they look alike but have nothing in common physically- but Piggy’s nephews in MUPPETS TONIGHT are also pigs.
(This is not to rule out that the male pigs in the Muppets are all trans dudes, of course. And there’s also the very real possibility that Piggy is a trans woman, which I think the text better supports, although that, again, goes against the sexual dimorphism argument.)
But separate from all of those is the argument I would make: Every Muppet movie can and should be read as a play, with the Muppets either playing exaggerated versions of themselves or fictional characters.
Each movie explicitly draws attention to the fictionalized-within-fiction conceit, from the movie theatre framework of THE MUPPET MOVIE (and especially Kermit telling Robin “it’s sort of approximately how it happened”) to the entirety of “Hey, a Movie!” in GREAT MUPPET CAPER, and of course to Rizzo calling out that Gonzo is not Charles Dickens.
So I would argue that basically nearly any Muppets canon (except THE MUPPET SHOW and a few other titles) can be read as a high school drama club staffed by world-famous stars, where Kermit and Piggy are dating so they want to play CHARACTERS who are dating, and then cast the rest of their fictional family almost entirely by choosing individuals they already know who they had no part in conceiving. (Remember, after all, that Tiny Tim is played by Robin, who we know is Kermit’s nephew in their real lives).
Muppets canons don’t tell us how Muppets sexually reproduce. They tell us that Muppet relationships do not rely on species breakdowns, and also that even our beloved childhood stars are not immune to the lure of nepotism.
I love every single thing in this post, there is nothing else like the Muppets in the world.
